I was watching you today in the mirror and thinking about how far we have come in this life. When I think about all that I have put you through and all that others have put you through, I can’t believe that you haven’t fallen apart. You aren’t what you used to be but that is only because you sacrificed yourself to make ME stronger. You have given so much to me, even when I was cruel to you in words and in actions and you kept giving and giving….you kjust ept giving. In the earlier years of our relationship, I abused you but it was only because other people showed me how and I didn’t know any different. I threw you to the wolves and allowed them to take so much from you that they ate right through you and then came after me. I know all you wanted was to protect me and keep me safe, and it wasn’t your fault that you couldn’t always protect us. I wasn’t returning the love and care you gave to me and I was a million miles away from you – too distant to do my part.
We both fell many times, but we kept picking each other up. I have so many regrets. I hate that I made you breathe in my addictive, toxic madness for 16 years. I’m sorry for introducing you to powerful substances at such a young age and then forcing you marinate in them so many times. I’m sorry for all of the times I called you names and looked at you in disgust because you didn’t look like what I saw around me. I tried to stuff you into a mold that didn’t fit and kept telling you that you were not enough – that you were not ok – that you were a disgrace – I was always trying to make you change instead of loving you where you were. I beat up on you with machines, I starved you and deprived you, I filled you up and then made you give it right back through your nose and throat. I tortured and tormented you and it was never enough. And you just kept on giving to me, like a lost puppy with nowhere else to go. And, because we are stuck with each other forever, you only had two options, keep trying to talk sense into me and be heard or plunge into death, taking me with you. But you didn’t give up on me and you spoke to me. I finally started to hear you. I started taking you more seriously and seeing that you were just as much a part of this journey as I was. Even then, I was still so hard on you. I meant well…I was confused about what was best for you and US. I thought that if I made you comply to my rules and standards, we would both be happy, but making you work so hard at an impossible outcome only brought more pain and disappointment, even when you were at your peak. I was learning to treat you better, but I still had so far to go. You were patient with me and kept speaking softly and kindly to me. You were persistent when I didn’t listen and you didn’t give up. I heard you whispering now and then, telling me secrets that were eating away at you – you needed me to hear them and do something about them. It took so long but I got it! I let you touch me and I learned that I would not die if I embraced you and let myself feel your presence. I didn’t know how much it would help me to help you…to listen to you and to be fully connected to you.
We’ve been through so much and we still have plenty ahead of us, but I want you to know that I hear you, I see you and I love you exactly as you are. I promise I will do my best to take care of you and be kind to you from here on out…and no matter what, I will fight for you because you are worth it.