Survivor In the Wilderness

August 19, 2011:

It is morning and everyone is still asleep.  It is my family's last day at the beach and I have been sitting on our balcony for the last hour or so having a conversation with God that I don’t want to see come to an end.  He has been speaking sweetly to me through exquisite sites, sounds and smells and even through the luxury of drinking in the richness of a good cup (or three) of coffee.  I have been telling Him about all of the people in my life I am concerned for and want Him to bless, even though He already knows and is far more troubled by their trials and heartaches than I ever could be.  I have been praising Him for all that He has done and NOT done in my life.  It has been a most treasured conversation between the two of us but soon enough, the kids and my husband will be awake, wanting to get into the day and I will be thrown into overdrive.  We will cram as much fun into this last day of vacation as possible, while cleaning and packing for tomorrow’s ride home and through it all, I will be anxiously awaiting my next conversation with God.

As a mom, I often feel pulled in so many different directions and it seems I am always longing for more time alone – alone with God, alone with myself, alone to write or create with no interruptions.  Never has this been more true than in this current season of life I am in.  For reasons I have not always appreciated, my heavenly Father has called me away from some of my usual responsibilities that I happen to be very passionate about and has lured me to a cave in the wilderness so that He may get my attention and breathe new life into me.  I did not want to go at first and I resisted Him with every excuse I had.  But He persisted in His whispers to me:  “Arise and eat because the journey is too great for you.” (I Kings 19:7)   

Being a full-time wife and mom in this world has a tendency to poke at all of the sensitive places that give a woman a false sense of value.  I did not want to give up any of the extra responsibilities I had taken upon myself.  They are so important to me, but they had become too important and the only worth I could see in myself was dependent upon what or how much I could do for others – especially those in the greatest need.  Little did I know that, somewhere along the way of serving and encouraging others, I had become one of those in greatest need. 

Though I did not go quietly, I have finally allowed the fierce winds of my pride to subside and have accepted the fact that the journey is, indeed, too great for me.  My Father has my full attention and I know that He has brought me to the wilderness to prepare me for what lies ahead.  I am not certain about what He has planned and there is no doubt that I am in the scariest, most challenging territory I have ever been in, but I know that I am not here alone.  Like the prophet, Elijah, who God nourished in the wilderness, I am being revived and sustained for the next part of my journey.  And in the same way that Elijah searched for God in the strong winds, earthquakes and fire, I have searched for Him there also.  I expected a  nuclear explosion of some sort – overwhelming, but quick.  Then my wilderness experience would come to an end and I could return to civilization and get on with my busy life.  That is not what God had planned.  He chose to use His still, small voice, giving me only little morsels of nourishment at a time instead of a gluttonous feast.  I was too busy waiting for Him to bring the big boom down on me that I didn’t see or hear Him in the quiet messages He was sweetly singing to my soul every day.  Instead of giving me everything I needed and watching me ride off into the sunset without a backward glance, he left me waiting and hungering for more each day.    He knows me so well! 

This morning has been another of many healing gifts from God.  Though I am still in the wilderness, there is much work to be done.  I often feel guilty & even ashamed that I am not doing more and I have to remind myself daily that this is not a retreat – this my episode of “Survivor”.   The business of true healing is not for the faint of heart and it requires more than I ever realized.  Though I don’t always FEEL like I am doing much, I know that WHAT I am doing is important to God and to His plan and that He is preparing me for more.  A GPS won’t be necessary for this journey.   This journey can only be taken by faith.