It was one of those days when the pain was overwhelming and making it through the everyday tasks would require every ounce of strength I could muster. I’ve had more of those days than I care to look back on over the past year or so, but they haven’t come without their hidden gifts. I reached my breaking point as I pulled into the carport. Everything that I had been holding back behind my smile came rushing forward demanding to be freed from its holding place. As soon as the car stopped, I dissolved into the steering wheel and the dam gave way. I was fighting a deep sense of emptiness that was hungering to be filled and I hadn’t the slightest idea what to do with it. The only thing that I could think of as I sat there bathed in loneliness was to call out and ask God for a tangible reminder of His love and tender care for me. Without even thinking, I cried out to my heavenly Father “Let me just see one junco today so that I know you are there!”
I love birds. Watching them has brought so much beauty and comfort into my life and it always seems like they show up in some special way just to send me a message – that Heaven sees me and that I am not alone. It might be the purr of feathered wings in flight so close they nearly graze my hair or a show of color in shades of cardinal, bluebird, and purple finches against a backdrop of sparkling snow. Every year around this time, I wait with anticipation for the juncos to return for the winter. They are not the most beautiful birds, but they bring a source of joy to me when I see them show up at my kitchen window every year to announce that Autumn is in full swing and the fresh beauty of winter is soon to follow. I love this time of year and find so much beauty and peace in its splendor.
So when I asked God to show me the juncos, I knew He would hear me and delight in my request. I expected to see a junco that day. I was constantly looking out my kitchen window and hanging around outside, watching and waiting. Later that day, I was in my art room and I heard chirping outside my window. I looked out and smiled at what I saw: It was a sparrow poking the ground for scraps from the birdfeeder above. Immediately, I knew he had heard my cry. I asked for a junco, but he gave me something better. Now, if birds had a caste system, a sparrow would be just a notch above a crow or a buzzard. They are not the favored bird of the winged creatures. How often I have felt like a sparrow when I longed to be a cardinal. But our Maker favors us all. As soon as I saw that sparrow I thought of two things: 1) That we need not fret over our needs because God takes care of even a lowly sparrow and we are of more value to Him than many sparrows (Matthew 10:27-31). And 2) The privilege of being present several months back to watch an amazing teenage girl I have known and loved and who has suffered many torments and trials sing “His Eye is on the Sparrow” in front of an audience. She has known some dark days, but was able to stand up and use her voice to let others know “I sing because I’m happy, and I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches over me.”
That gift alone was more than I asked for! As if that were not enough, the very next day, He gave me (and yes, that snow was just for me) a rare and early snow that brought birds of every color to surround my house. As that first snow fell softly and peacefully on my soul, the birds and I traded gifts of sustenance. I was more than satisfied but my Father wasn’t finished lavishing His love on me. I also had the assurance that the juncos would be coming any day, and while I waited, I could cling to the reminder that, not only am I not alone but that I am here to come alongside those who have also felt like a worthless sparrow and sing the truth of who they really are into their souls! I can’t do that if I forget who I really am and shrink into something less. That has been a relentless battle for me over the past many years. Abuse and lies have left a cloud of shame over me that I hadn’t truly recognized until more recently and the enemy is breaking out the heavy artillery now that I am aware of that cloud. I know this and I know that there will be more days when I find my face planted into my steering wheel, wanting to wave my white flag and let my inadequacies consume me. I expect them. But I expect the juncos and I know that God is saving their arrival for a time when I will need to see them even more than I did the day I asked for them. Glory!
“Now to him who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” - Ephesians 3:20&21
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