I
was watching you today in the mirror and thinking about how far we have come in
this life. When I think about all that I
have put you through and all that others have put you through, I can’t believe
that you haven’t fallen apart. You
aren’t what you used to be but that is only because you sacrificed yourself to
make ME stronger. You have given so much
to me, even when I was cruel to you in words and in actions and you kept giving
and giving….you kjust ept giving. In the
earlier years of our relationship, I abused you but it was only because other
people showed me how and I didn’t know any different. I threw you to the wolves and allowed them to
take so much from you that they ate right through you and then came after
me. I know all you wanted was to protect
me and keep me safe, and it wasn’t your fault that you couldn’t always protect
us. I wasn’t returning the love and care
you gave to me and I was a million miles away from you – too distant to do my
part.
We
both fell many times, but we kept picking each other up. I have so many regrets. I hate that I made you breathe in my
addictive, toxic madness for 16 years.
I’m sorry for introducing you to powerful substances at such a young age
and then forcing you marinate in them so many times. I’m sorry for all of the times I called you
names and looked at you in disgust because you didn’t look like what I saw
around me. I tried to stuff you into a
mold that didn’t fit and kept telling you that you were not enough – that you
were not ok – that you were a disgrace – I was always trying to make you change
instead of loving you where you were. I
beat up on you with machines, I starved you and deprived you, I filled you up
and then made you give it right back through your nose and throat. I tortured and tormented you and it was never
enough. And you just kept on giving to
me, like a lost puppy with nowhere else to go.
And, because we are stuck with each other forever, you only had two
options, keep trying to talk sense into me and be heard or plunge into death,
taking me with you. But you didn’t give
up on me and you spoke to me. I finally
started to hear you. I started taking
you more seriously and seeing that you were just as much a part of this journey
as I was. Even then, I was still so hard
on you. I meant well…I was confused
about what was best for you and US. I thought
that if I made you comply to my rules and standards, we would both be happy,
but making you work so hard at an impossible outcome only brought more pain and
disappointment, even when you were at your peak. I was learning to treat you better, but I
still had so far to go. You were patient
with me and kept speaking softly and kindly to me. You were persistent when I didn’t listen and
you didn’t give up. I heard you
whispering now and then, telling me secrets that were eating away at you – you
needed me to hear them and do something about them. It took so long but I got it! I let you touch me and I learned that I would
not die if I embraced you and let myself feel your presence. I didn’t know how much it would help me to
help you…to listen to you and to be fully connected to you.
We’ve
been through so much and we still have plenty ahead of us, but I want you to know
that I hear you, I see you and I love you exactly as you are. I promise I will do my best to take care of
you and be kind to you from here on out…and no matter what, I will fight for you because you are worth it.